This, obviously, is a problem. However, it's awesome that I'm finally able to recognize it. For years I thought I was just depressed or in a weird funk and that it would eventually go away if I ignored it and tried to do things to make me feel better about myself.
Needless to say, that was a bad plan. Because I did not recognize the true root of my problem (and I didn't want to deal with the symptom I did see) I've managed to not grow much spiritually for awhile.
This past month I have really begun to more fully analyze and recognize the issues in my life that have been holding me back. Thanks to the awesome group of people I am now surrounded by I have been forced into deep inward reflections that have made way for the Holy Spirit to do some awesome things to my heart. While I was somewhat aware of the depression that had settled over my life it wasn't until very recently that it suddenly clicked. Yes, I have had symptoms of depression, but the depression really stemmed from the fear that I had of not knowing what my future looks like, of not having a plan set in stone, fear of not having a specific life goal. I was even afraid of the little glimpse of my future that God placed on my heart. My life didn't make sense to me, and that scared me, and instead of just trusting God with everything, I chose to cling to the fear.
As I briefly mentioned in my last post, the church retreat this weekend there was a particular scripture that stood out to me:
Isaiah 43:1-4
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
While there's quite a bit you can get out of that verse, what really jumped out at me was "Do not fear. . .I love you." And then God ever so gently yelled into my heart, "I have you. STOP FREAKING OUT! SERIOUSLY!"
Yes, He yelled it. Pretty loudly.
And obviously, I did cry.
It's OK to cry when God yells at you.
After I got that message from God I did commit to give all my hopes, desires and fears to Him and I wrote this in my journal
Dang. But I still wonder what Your plan is. Take this fear and transform it into excitement.
And guess what! That's what he did!
Driving home from the retreat I was so ridiculously excited. When I started thinking about my future, instead of being overcome with paralyzing fear I was just excited! I have no idea what my future looks like, but am super excited to be on this journey and find out.
