Yesterday at church I was one of six people to share testimonies during the service. A large chunk of it is taken from a blog I posted on here last month, but I added some more details and included some new things I've learned in the three weeks since. Below is what I read on stage. . .
Hi, my name is Megan Swartz.
The last time I was asked to give my testimony was just six weeks ago, at the Thursday night Bible study led by Justin Stevenson. That night Justin had us pair up with one other person and he instructed us to share our personal story of what our life was like before Christ, how we accepted him in our life and a little about how our life had changed since becoming a Christian.
Now let me just say, even though this may seem simple, I was VERY nervous. All words floated out of my head and my brain. . .went. . . blank. When I could finds words, my voice was shaky, and my thoughts were scattered and not very well expressed. This was a VERY common issue for me. At the time, it was difficult for me to speak to ANYONE I didn’t already know, even if it was just talking to one person. On that particular Thursday evening, I was afraid I had nothing important or interesting to say and that my story was so simple, it wasn’t even worth telling. I was afraid I wasn’t enough.
Now, here I am, only a few short weeks later, talking in front of a hundred plus people.
How is this drastic change possible, you may wonder? Well, that is the story I have to share with you today.
First, I had to realize it’s not about me. I am standing on this stage not to tell you about myself. I am here to tell you about how marvelous and faithful God is.
Second, I had to realize I had become a slave to fear.
This, obviously, was a problem and it was an important step for me to be able to recognize its presence in my life. I had a lack of motivation, I had lost interest in many things once important to me and I generally felt apathetic. For years I thought I was just depressed or in a weird funk, and I hoped it would eventually go away if I just ignored it and tried to do things to make me feel better about myself.
Needless to say, that was a bad plan. Because I did not recognize the true root of my problem (and I didn't want to deal with the symptom I did see) I had become stagnant in my walk with God.
Back in October I pushed myself to become more involved with groups here at Northpoint. My fear of speaking was becoming a bigger issue. I had been around many of you for six months and still had trouble just saying “Hi”. I knew that being around people outside of Sunday morning service would help me become more comfortable, and, hopefully, help me be able to talk more. And while this did happen, God used the things I was learning in these groups in even deeper ways. For the first time in years, I began to critically analyze and recognize the issues in my life that had been holding me back. I was forced into deep inward reflections that made way for the Holy Spirit to do some AWESOME things to my heart.
While I had been somewhat aware of the depression that had settled over my life, it wasn't until three weeks ago, again at the Thursday night Bible study, that it suddenly clicked. Yes, I have had symptoms of depression, but the depression truly stemmed from FEAR. Fear. . .of not having a specific goal for my life. Fear. . .of not having a plan set in stone. Fear. . .of not knowing what my future looks like. In fact, I was even afraid of the little glimpse of my future that God had revealed to me. My life didn't make sense to me, and that scared me, and instead of just trusting God with everything, I had chosen to cling to the fear.
A couple days after having this revelation, I went on the church retreat to camp Ray Bird. It was a weekend full of fellowship, relaxation, and refreshment. During one of the sessions we were asked to meditate on this verse, and it really resonated with me:
Isaiah 43:1-4
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
While there is a lot you can glean from of this verse, what really spoke to me were the phrases "Do not fear. . .I love you." That is when God, ever so gently, YELLED into my heart,
"I have you. STOP FREAKING OUT! SERIOUSLY!"
Yes, He yelled it. Pretty loudly.
After I got that message from God I made the commitment to give all my hopes, desires and fears to Him. I told God that even though I still wondered about the plans he has for me, I wanted him to take my fear and to transform it into EXCITEMENT.
And guess what! That's what he did!
Driving home from the retreat I was so ridiculously excited. When I would start to think about my future, instead of being overcome with paralyzing fear I was just excited!
The third thing I had to realize, in order to be on this stage talking to all of you wonderful people, is that I. Am. Enough.
You see, without even knowing it, I have spent years and years believing lies about myself. Lies such as: I am not outgoing enough, I am not skinny enough, I am not talkative enough, I am not bold enough and therefore, I am not good enough to be used by God right now.
These beliefs also amplified the fear I already had of talking to new people. I had a hard time believing I was good enough and interesting enough. I was afraid to talk to most people I didn't already know, even those who I wanted to be friends with, because I was afraid of rejection.
God has taken me on a journey to correct my thinking. By spending consistent time alone with God, reading and meditating over scripture, praying ALL the time about EVERYTHING, and allowing myself to become more aware of the Holy Spirit working in my life, I have come to find my identity in God, and not the lies I was holding onto. Because the truth is, God loves me just as I am and he says I AM ENOUGH.
And that brings me to the end of my story for now. Over these last two months, God has been gently showing me that I do not need to fix myself, He is the one to handle that. I just need to give up control of life and trust in His will. I have to stop focusing on the fear of the unknown. I have to accept. . .that my identity and worth are in Him, and He is using me right now, just as I am.
With lots of prayer and good fellowship with my old and new friends, I am feeling the layers of anxiety and depression, that I've been hiding for years, being peeled away. Depression is being filled with new hope and renewed ambitions. Fear is being replaced with a new excitement. While I still have no idea what my future looks like, I am so glad to be on this journey with God and to see where he leads me.*
